Pack smart

Packing for a festival is like packing for a mountain trek. All you need is a tent, a sleeping bag and couple of bottles of vodka that you’ve put into water bottles to disguise them. These bottles will also become your makeshift toilet for the next three days. If you need more than a piss, though – you have to hold it in. It’s better than a hot Portaloo. The air gets in your mouth.

Get there in style

Make sure you’ve got a mate with a car who will drive you there and sort out all the parking. You don’t want to have to deal with any of that, it’s long and really confusing. Let someone else sort it all out. You need to be focused on enjoying yourself and telling them what music to play in the car to get you in the mood.

Bring your lanky mates with you

Tall people (or ‘talls’) can be annoying when they’re in front of you while you’re trying to see your favourite DJ, but at a festival the talls actually become quite useful. Make sure you have at least one tall with you and use them as a beacon/meeting point so you can always find each other. To help them stand out, make them wear something on their head like a massive flower or a feather.

Avoid fancy dress at all costs

People see festivals as an excuse to get dressed up like a magical fairy from the woods. Sort your life out and stop pretending to be more interesting than you are. Wear your normal clothes. They’ll get mud on them but have you not heard of a thing called putting it in the washing basket and getting someone to clean them? Same goes for footwear. There’s never any need to wear wellies. They’re butters. It’s better to have wet feet for the whole weekend but be wearing a nice pair of Air Max.

Strictly no showering

People who shower at festivals are generally seen as weak. It’s the festival equivalent of having a pint of water in the pub – yes, it might make you feel better but if you get caught you’re going to look absolutely pathetic and everyone will laugh at you. Just use a wet wipe on your armpits like everyone else.

Don’t overindulge

Some people think that the whole point of going to a festival is to try and take as many drugs as possible. These are the people who end up wearing Aladdin trousers hula-hooping at the top of a hill that they’ve been told has some spiritual stones on it. Try not to embarrass yourself by unlocking your spiritual side.

Don’t get adventurous with food

A lot of festivals now are trying to be all healthy and sell weird vegan organic free range madness. This is ridiculous. If you were worried about your health you wouldn’t be living in your own filth. Stop pretending that you care about your body and just eat stuff that tastes nice like burgers and pizza.

Choose what you see wisely

Obviously the main headline act at any of the decent festivals is Kurupt FM. Due to misprints we sometimes don’t get advertised as the headliner and we appear quite low down on the posters in a tiny font. But if you’ve seen us live then you know no one else can test. And if you haven’t then you need to fix up. Don’t waste time with bands that just play the same songs every time. We have DJ Steves on the decks and he has no idea what’s going on so the set is completely different every time.

Be prepared for the aftermath

After the festival you will inevitably have to deal with some sort of comedown. Book yourself two days off and hide in your house. Once you’ve recovered, you’ll be able to go back to your office job and spend the next week just telling everyone how wrecked you got and how sick the festival was. People love hearing about other people’s festival experiences so make sure you spread the love.

People Just Do Nothing returns to BBC3 this summer. Kurupt FM play We Are FSTVL, 27 May, Glastonbury, 21-15 June, Latitude, 13-16 July, Lovebox, 15 July and many more across the summer