Ready? Steady? REVIEW!

A mashup

It’s inevitable with a concept like Review Anything that occasionally we’re baffled by how some people choose to spend their time. To wit, Pete Huntley has chosen to spend several of his precious, ever-dwindling allocation of minutes on this mortal coil splicing Winston Churchill’s Blood, Toil, Tears and Sweat speech from 1940 with an rousingly sinister orchestral score. You know, for some reason. It’s a bracing listen. I like Pete. I don’t know what he is, but I like him. If it wasn’t for people like Pete, the entirely useless fingerless glove may never have been invented, no-one would have bothered to bring the slinky into existence, and the goat version of Miley Cyrus’s Wrecking Ball may not – and just imagine this for a moment – even be a thing. Life would be an endless precession of useful things that served dull, practical purposes. I love you Pete, you beautiful, timewasting oddcake. But please never contact me in any way. LH

Ben van Rensburg – I Will Wait

This is the emo-dance-Eminem-lite combo no one (literally no one) in the world wanted. What’s the thinking behind this? Pretending the last decade didn’t happen and trying to be the po-faced Lonely Island? I’ll be honest. I saw your Zoo York hoodie, emo hair thatch and broken heart imagery on Soundcloud and wrote you off, Ben. I’d love to say that was the wrong thing to do but this is a case of judge the book by its cover and save yourself four and a half minutes of aggro, emostep over sharing. LB

A gardening blog

I don’t have a garden. I have a slab of cracked and water-worn concrete outside my flat that foxes like to wee on and the local kids like to chuck their fried chicken boxes over. So already the idea of a gardening blog irks me in the same way that a 20-person-deep bar queue or the person who keeps on ‘going on holiday somewhere sunny’ at work does. Still, one scroll through this and it makes Alan Titchmarsh look like the Gareth Gates of green fingers, with enough mentions of “bushes” and “pruned Wisterias” to turn Matt Baker’s cheeks crimson. It makes gardening sound at least a little bit fun. I couldn’t be arsed to read past the bit about the damp lilies tbh – some GIFs and videos would liven up the reams of text – but you’ve half convinced me to go to Lidl and buy some “budget bulbs” to make my special bit of pavement look less drab. KH

ULUVUS – Ma Dort Ma Den Ma Man

You know what they say, what happens in Laos stays in Laos. That’s largely to do with a lack of bi-lateral trade agreements, but also because people go there to get messed up on inner tubes and heroin and don’t want their parents to hear about it. Thank goodness then for ULUVUS who are bringing Laotian pop to the world and giving us the distinct impression that they’re stuck in a timewarp from 2004. That’s no bad thing, of course: American Idiot came out then and I went on holiday to Ibiza. The former has more bearing on this song; a bouncy piece of pop-punk played by (western) lads in matching plaid shirts but sung in Laotian. The video’s production values are crap and the sentiments are cheesy (the blurb under the vid says: ‘The song is a call to set aside your worries, slam on some cheap shades and celebrate life’). But it’s executed with enthusiasm and proficiency and I found it kinda catchy. Am off to google Ryanair to Vang Vieng. PM

Braves – Seapunk EP

Seapunk, for those who don’t choose to commit every inane microgenre to memory, was a music/fashion trend thing where everyone dyed their hair periwinkle and sang about Clarissa Explains It All. The whole thing lasted for about 13 weeks in 2012, before everyone decided to dye their hair cerise and sing about Hey Arnold! instead. Conversely, lo-fi is a musical genre where no one would ever dare dye their hair any colour, and which will still exist long after the mountains have crumbled into the sea. Braves could have existed in 1989, 1999, or 2009 and they’d sound EXACTLY the same as they do now: some guy mumbling tunelessly about going to the beach while his mate from chemistry class plays the only three chords he knows over and over again. It’s a boring, yet reassuring constant, like a musical equivalent of your grandmother’s Radio Times subscription. GM

The Thing Invisible – Be Still As Bright EP

The auguries aren’t good when the Bandcamp entry for an album begins, “What is ‘applied metaphysics’”, then goes on to say it is “VITAL” to listen to it in a “dimly lit environment”. The Thing Invisible’s debut record, sorry “first complete physical manifestation”, Be Still As Bright has all the dust-covered tropes of typical goth: Byronic lyrics about isolation and snatched moments of tenderness; a doomy baritone for a singer; a choir of polyphonic monks on call; song titles like I Am The Clearing In The Forest (would that be The Cure’s Forest?). But dip me in mascara and call me Bela, I quite enjoyed it, with its undulating, relentless bass rhythms and romantic minor-key melodies. Pretentiousness can be a good thing after all. SW