You may recall that earlier this year it was suggested that Taylor Swift had made a list of extensive requirements from future boyfriends. Now, it is reported that Miley Cyrus has come up with something similar. And not just reported, but reported by the most well-respected and veracious news outlet in Britain: an unattributed and apparently sourceless article in Now! magazine that someone definitely hasn’t made up in order to fill space a few hours before deadline.

While Swift opted for straightforward Match.com stuff about speaking at least two languages, Cyrus’s requirements seem a little more demanding. “You must not move within two feet of her without permission,” suggests one rule. Lost in Showbiz confesses it finds the latter instruction slightly unclear: does it mean that Cyrus’s prospective amorata is not allowed to be any closer to her than 2ft, or that, once he is within a 2ft radius of the Wrecking Ball hitmaker, he has to keep completely still?

“You will be instructed by her assistant on what to wear, do and talk about,” says another rule, which begs the intriguing question: what does Miley Cyrus want to talk about? You may scoff and suggest that her conversation probably largely revolves around marijuana, sticking your tongue out and her recently deceased dog Floyd. Lost in Showbiz feels confident that the assistant is there to keep matters strictly highbrow. It imagines the nervous potential suitor being ushered into Cyrus’s presence, getting within 2ft of her, standing completely still, then being instructed to discuss only the Left-Hegelianists of the Frankfurt school, vorticism and Iranian new wave cinema with particular reference to the work of Abbas Kiarostami.