Say what you like about Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber – we generally do – but you can't say that he doesn't fly in the face of popular opinion. Mere weeks after the Tupac Shakur jukebox musical Holler If Ya Hear Me opened on Broadway to a critical panning, Lloyd Webber has decided to update the musical Cats by turning the song The Rum Tum Tugger into a rap.

"I'm going to make Rum Tum Tugger a contemporary street cat," Lloyd Webber has said, "and he has to do hip-hop."

He even added that TS Eliot's original poem The Rum Tum Tugger was "possibly the first ever rap". Considering that it contains such couplets as "If you set him on a mouse then he only wants a rat/ If you set him on a rat then he'd rather chase a mouse" it is clear that he absolutely does not have a point and is, in fact, completely wrong.

Described as a preening womaniser with a love of the limelight, Rum Tum Tugger does sound like the 50 Cent of the cast, but no announcement has been made as to who will be penning his rap. TS Eliot is dead and, while not wanting to diss his skills, lyricist Richard Stilgoe is probably not the best choice, either.

Rather than suggest cat-related raps such as 2 Live Crew's We Want Some Pussy, the Guardian called upon its premier battle rapper – me – to get the ball rolling with a (very) rough draft of Tugger's bars …

Listen to Cats Rap on Soundcloud: lyrics by Pete Cashmore, performed by Two Can.

Yo. This is Rum Tum Tugpac, if ya hear me then holler
I've got Cristal in my water bowl and a Swarowski flea collar
I'm that cat out of Cats known for busting the gats
Jersey Boys? We Will Rock You? Mamma Mia? Bunch of CENSORED
When I unleash my claws, I drop jaws, get applause
Dope lines written – you just a kitten, a rebel without paws
Macavity, Skimbleshanks, Grizabella, they're my goons
Who'll leave your face swelled up like Sir Andrew reflected in spoons
I be hitting the herbals and then spitting the verbals
Lay back, lick my own genitals, cough up pubic furballs
I'm that feline with firearms, try to spay me and I'll fire these
Show opens December 6th, B, so put it in your diaries.