Before I go, though, an award-winner’s speech from me. Firstly I’d like to thank my friends and family for ... well, they didn’t do anything really. I don’t think they even read this to be honest. So next I’d like to thank ...

Ellie Violet Bramley ... for feeding me tweets and pictures all night!

Emily Mackay ... for correcting my spelling all night!

Michael Hann ... for buying me an entire bottle of red wine to see me through this, seriously I could not have done it without you

Adam Boult ... for keeping everyone happy on social media and working out how to embed stuff during difficult periods

Mee-Lai Stone ... for keeping this liveblog in pictures, what a pro!

Tshepo Mokoena ... for finding some people who couldn’t spell Ellie Goudling

and finally ... and I’m tearing up here guys ...

Fred McConnell ... for literally making about 17,000 gifs during the last two hours, most of which I didn’t even have time to use ...

But most of all ...sniff ... sob ... I’d like to thank you, the reader, for reading ... I’d like to dedicate this live blog to you. And if you need to invoice me for the microphone then go ahead! *THUD*

It’s all over until next year! Unless someone is going to make me liveblog ITV2 which is DEFINITELY not in my contract. There will be so much more to come: galleries, roundup blogs and podcasts ... head to theguardian.com/music for all that.

For now, though, here’s a critical appreciation of the night from chief pop critic Alexis Petridis!

I think Rudimental speak for Britain right now

It’s Pharrell and Nile Rodgers playing my least favourite song of 2013! What a way to end six hours of live blogging!

It’s fine, though, they’re doing a medley! Good Times! And Happy! And Shiny Happy People!

“Clearly intoxicated”

I think Alex Turner saying “invoice me for the microphone if you wanna” and dropping it on the floor has to be officially the least rock’n’roll thing I’ve ever witnessed. Even Bill Grundy might have been a bit “meh”.

Speech! Alex Turner says, oh I don’t know, something about swamps and cycles or summit, Josh Halliday will let us all know in a minute

We pay our news reporters for a reason, you know. And that reason is they find out what actually happened rather than just sit in the office drinking wine and failing to hear what’s being said on the telly.

Josh Halliday is at the O2 and here’s the full Kate Moss quote as written by David Bowie:

“In a somewhat other-worldly acceptance speech delivered by the model Kate Moss, Bowie thanked his fans and made a surprise intervention in the Scottish independence debate. “David has asked me to say this: In Japanese myth, the rabbits on my old costume that Kate’s wearing live on the moon. Kate comes from Venus, and I from Mars. I’m completely delighted to have a Brit for being the best male. I think it’s a great way to end the day. Thank you very much – and Scotland, stay with us.”

The problem with Bastille is they’re just not drum’n’bass enough. Said nobody, ever, but still: here they are with Rudimental for, ahem, Bastimental. And it is bloody mental, mate. Is this nearly over yet?

It really has got confusing. Nick Grimshaw is now onstage kissing James Corden. Did Michael Hann order some acid on my slice of takeaway pizza?

Ellie Goulding is getting melismatic with an acoustic guitar and what looks a bit like her dressing gown. Oh, and now it’s gone ravey dubstep (ravey dubstep in the sense that Taylor Swift goes ravey dubstep). And now Stomp are onstage.

What more could you ask of a rock star?

hermionegingold

19 February 2014 8:31pm

i like dan from bastille.

he get's the tube and is really quite nice.

x

The voting is now closed for British video! Stop using hashtag Brits followed by the correct spelling of an artist who got enough YouTube views to ... OK, I’m bored of this now

Nile Rodgers accepts the award. Surprising, that, as Daft Punk normally turn up to the opening of an envelope. Even if it’s clearly just junk mail.

Nile says: “The robots had an amazing vision!”

Bastille: “We just make music for ourselves, really ...”

Don’t tell me lads, and if anyone else likes it it’s a bloody miracle, right?

It’s Disclosure! And Lorde! Together! And not just to present an award to Bastille or whatever - they’re playing live and it’s a minimal house take on Royals that I am reliably informed will turn into White Noise at some point.

Seamless, right?

Updates time.

1) Pharrell clocked Keith Lemon’s fake Pharrell hat and liked it (presumably IRL and not on Facebook).

2) The Guardian’s Harriet Gibsone missed her dinner. Reasons as yet unknown.

Harsh. But fair.

Beyonce says: “Now I need you all to help me out.” Simply write hashtag Brits then sing along to her most YouTube’d chorus (no misspellings or RTs) etc etc etc.

Anyway, despite surprising lack of stage show the crowd seemed to love that. Caspar who is there says it helps that everyone is pissed. Who needs a stage show when you have bottles of wine on tap?

I’m not the only person loving Corden’s lols tonight

How happy are Arctic Monkeys right now? This happy

Remember everyone: you can vote by tweeting hashtag Brits plus a name spelled correctly of an artist on the list of most YouTube plays (RTs don’t count) ... got it?! GO!

Alex Turner: “Alreet. There’s that £15 we put on One Direction to win down t’drain innit?”

He can’t be bothered reading a list of thank yous though

Rudimental’s album has “more bangers than a barbecue at a fireworks factory”. I honestly think that could be the worst joke ever written.

“The finest showman performing anywhere in the world right now ...”

Well he did say RIGHT NOW ... it’s Bruno Mars! Performing Treasure! With trumpets!

His stripey t-shirt is not much of a match for aztec new rave tbqh

Not everyone happy with that Bastille victory

Here is that aforementioned Katy Perry’s aztec new rave look ...

James Corden is making jokes with One Direction about prison rape. I will level with you, I could not have predicted that tonight.

Someone in the office just shouted: “JAMES CORDEN HAS TWEETED HIS SELFIE!” I wonder if Lester Bangs ever experienced anything like this?

BREAKING: Katy Perry has gone new rave.

UPDATE: Aztec new rave

WERE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO CORDEN?!? MISSPELLINGS WON’T COUNT!!!

Ellie Goulding speaks: “Prince! Thank you so much I am genuinely in shock.” She’s shaking she’s so happy, which is how I think we all feel right now.

Corden tells us to vote using our hashtags. All you have to do is tweet #Brits and then the name of one of the artists who got a certain amount of YouTube plays to make the nominees list, or something. Oh, and misspellings and RTs won’t count. What could be easier?

If anyone can follow an incendiary opening song it’s James Corden, amirite? “Hello, good evening” he says before mentioning MasterCard. Hold on to them hats guys.

One Direction are the night’s biggest winners! Or, at least, they’ve got their hands on the night’s biggest award ...

Harriet Gibsone has sure been working hard on that red carpet she loves so much. Here’s Pharrell hanging out with Haim!

Posted without comment

Imagine being the sort of person who isn’t excited by the Brit awards 2014 presented by James Corden. Go on, just imagine. You can’t can you? Because clearly no such person exists. And we’re now only 15 minutes away from it happening - woooooooooo!

Rosie Swash has now left to go to some swanky party or other. But not me. I would never leave you, dear reader. Never. Not even if I was invited to the parties that everyone else is invited to. Seriously, I wouldn’t. I just prefer the company of you guys.

Anyway, earlier I promised you facts, and so here are some facts of things involved in this year’s ceremony ...

- 29 projectors

- 10000 balloons

- 30 lasers

- 16,500 square meters of carpet

- 4000 china tea cups in the party

- 3156m of barrier

- 2.8m mirror ball

- 540 delivery trucks

ps can anyone else work out what the 2.8m mirror ball means? Surely there aren’t nearly 3m of the things?!

Kieran Yates also appears to be at the Brits and this is what they’re feeding the press contingent. If you’re reading live from Alabama I can only imagine the jealousy you’re feeling right now at seeing the real thing as God intended TJ

For those of you sitting around wondering “who would win if the results were decided by social network performance alone” (and that’s got to be at least 1,237 of you, right?) there is good news: advertising technology company RadiumOne have carried out some research. And the winners, judged by number of stories shared online or some such thing, are as follows:

· One Direction would take home the gongs for British Video, British Single and British Group

· Disclosure would take home the awards for British Album of the Year and British Breakthrough Act

· John Newman would be awarded best British Male

· Best Female would be Ellie Goulding

· Bruno Mars, Pink and Macklemore & Ryan Lewis would take home international honours

So now you know. Although of course the awards are actually decided by shadowy illuminati lizard people so this all means nothing. TJ

There are some Brit award occurrences you can set your watch by: 1) A drunk music executive will wander across the camera and care less about ruining the shot 2) The dreaded Lifetime Achievement style medley at the end 3) Tinie Tempah will turn up in a nice suit. RS

Rapper Iggy Azalea showcases the “here’s my bum” red carpet pose which is as weird as it is ubiquitous. RS

James Corden has arrived, bringing with him the unmistakable sound of a thousand hearts sinking across the land.

Laura Mvula does ruffles. So now. RS

I was hoping the Arctic Monkeys would make like they did in 2008 and come dressed as, if not farmers, something obscure, like the Bullingdon Club or a 1982 curling team. Ah well. Looking a bit like Roxy Music has its attractions. RS

Harriet Gibsone, also tirelessly getting pissed working at this year’s ceremony, is excited to report that Beyoncé is indeed backstage at the Brits meaning speculation that she’s performing looks likely. I mean, she could just be a massive James Corden fan, but ... TJ

Calvin Harris closes down the armpit party. His look tonight is “I made a ton of money and moved to LA. Suck it, losers”. RS

Jessie J goes all Sochi. Safe to say the lilac lipstick is utterly terrifying. RS

STOP LOOKING AT DRESSES EVERYONE! Here is what people are eating at this year’s Brits, courtesy of our on-the-ground reporter Caspar Llewellyn Smith who curiously always seems to be at these things rather than in the office blogging them.

Whereas I always curiously seem to always be here in the office merely reporting the fact that celebrities are tucking into ... well, to be honest, I’ve no idea what the hell this is. More updates as they arrive. TJ

Rita Ora’s right armpit has arrived. The night can officially begin. RS

I’m not usually a fan of fishtail dresses but the intense puceness of this one makes Foxes look like a mermaid. Maybe Tom Daley isn’t the only one making a Splash!... .... ...

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

RS

Tom Daley has turned up and I don’t think I have ever seen a man do that with the sleeves of a suit before. RS

Pixie Lott, not nominated and destined to turn up at the Brit awards until the end of time (or the end of the music industry, whichever comes first). RS

John Newman (no relation to Paul) with an outfit like Terence Trent D’Arby and a pose like an unamused police officer. Style props for the white socks and slip-ons. RS

Just a refresher for those who want to put some serious money on the outcome of tonight’s awards - here’s who’s competing for what ...

Best British male solo artist

David Bowie
Jake Bugg
James Blake
John Newman
Tom Odell

Best British female solo artist
Birdy
Ellie Goulding
Jessie J
Laura Marling
Laura Mvula

British group

Arctic Monkeys
Bastille
Disclosure
One Direction
Rudimental

British breakthrough act

Bastille
Disclosure
Laura Mvula
London Grammar
Tom Odell

British single (judged on sales)

Bastille – Pompeii
Calvin Harris and Ellie Goulding – I Need Your Love
Disclosure – White Noise
Ellie Goulding – Burn
John Newman – Love Me Again
Naughty Boy feat Sam Smith – La La La
Olly Murs – Dear Darlin’
One Direction – One Way Or Another
Passenger – Let Her Go
Rudimental feat Ella Eyre – Waiting All Night

Mastercard British album of the year

Arctic Monkeys - AM
Bastille - Bad Blood
David Bowie – The Next Day
Disclosure – Settle
Rudimental – Home

British producer

Ethan Johns
Flood and Alan Moulder
Paul Epworth

International male solo artist

Bruno Mars
Drake
Eminem
John Grant
Justin Timberlake

International female solo artist

Janelle Monae
Katy Perry
Lady Gaga
Lorde
Pink

International group

Arcade Fire
Daft Punk
Haim
Kings of Leon
Macklemore
Ryan Lewis

Critics’ choice
Sam Smith

British global success award
tba

Pharrell Williams and his wife Helen Lasichanh bring the sparkle in co-ordinating (ish) outfits. I’m gonna take a punt and say that Pharrel’s suit is Saint Laurent. If not, I apologise. If I’m right you owe me £1 million. Mastercard not accepted. RS

• UPDATE: Lavin have been in touch to say the suit was by them, not Saint Laurent!

This is the first time I’ve ever seen a picture of Bastille and I may not be the first person to bring this up but, doesn’t Chris ‘Woody’ Wood (great rap name) look like Corey Feldman? RS

Look, if I was 15 this is exactly the kind of outfit I would have want to wear. Red, Lycra, see-through in random places, and accessorised with matchy-matchy lipstick and hair. And that, after all, is a major part of what being a popstar is all about. RS

Conor Maynard, you say? Here he is! RS

Boy George has arrived with what I sincerely hope is a bit of creatively applied makeup and not a facial wound. And I am excited about his arrival, even if the youngster over his shoulder has a look on her face that says: “Boy who? Screw this, where’s Conor Maynard?” RS

Ah, Ellie Goulding. She of animatronic voice and dainty clothes. Usually I get an email with the words DRESSING RELEASE in frightening capitals telling me who is wearing what and by who, so Jane Public can know exactly which dress is out of her price range. But not this time. Not yet, at least. Fans of pale pink corset dresses that are wildly inappropriate for anywhere but the red carpet will have to remain ignorant. For that I am sorry. RS

In this Rudimental style sandwich, DJ Locksmith (left) and Amir Amor (right) are the scrumptious artisan walnut-inflected sourdough bread and Kesi Dryden and Piers Agget are the flavourless tomato and disappointingly rubbery mozzarella, frankly. Well, I’m just saying what we’re all thinking! RS

There’s a lot going on here, all of which I love. But the short version is: Xscape for Generation Rent. RS

Jordan Stephens and Harley Alexander-Sule, AKA Rizzle Kicks, set the bar at a reasonable height for the men folk with a variation on several ‘key trends’ from this season’s menswear – giant collars, burgundy and a coat with vague military undertones (overtones? Innertones?). And they arrived at the 02 a staggering five hours before the Brit awards. Either they’re presenting some sort of ITV 2/3/4 backstage/behind the scenes with Fearne Cotton/Edith Bowman/Someone from TOWIE or they are, as my schoolfriend used to say, keenos. RS

As we all know, there are few things more exciting in pop than the night several hundred Mastercard employees get pissed together while someone onstage hands an endless stream of awards to Emeli Sandé. But if there is something more thrilling than that then surely that thing is the Brit awards red carpet? Let’s hope so because we’re going to be blogging it from now until the real thing starts on ITV from 8pm.

Rosie Swash will be here to take you through the night’s fashion thrills and fails, whereas I (Tim Jonze) will be keeping you updated with any gossip from the O2 and perhaps even some interesting facts about tonight’s ceremony. For starters here’s list of 10 things you can expect from tonight’s show, including a Prince appearance and the chance for Arctic Monkeys to pull off a historic double. There are rumours circulating that we might see Beyonce perform, or that Prince might do a sneaky aftershow at Kentish Town forum a la Justin Timberlake last year.

Before we find out all that though here’s Harriet Gibsone who’s so keen to get to the Brits she’s been making YouTube videos of herself there since about 2pm ...