On Saturday night, all of Europe will come together in an orgy of music, glitter and polite avoidance of Bonnie Tyler. The 58th annual Eurovision song contest has, technically, been rumbling on all week, thanks to the two semi-finals that took place on Tuesday and Thursday. But because the UK pays good money not to be involved in any of that malarkey, there's a good chance that you've been keeping your powder dry ahead of the grand final – and my live blog, here from 7.30pm.
However, everybody knows that it's massively unwise to barge into Eurovision without any preparation whatsoever. It's incredibly long, there are lots of flashing lights and your vision is likely to go permanently soft midway through the billionth needless dubstep breakdown. So, just to ease you into things, here's my quick primer. For better or worse, these are the songs you should look out for.
Sweden: Robin Stjernberg, You
You shouldn't envy Robin Stjernberg. Forget Eurovision – last year's winning entry, Loreen's Euphoria, was one of the best songs of last year full stop. It's a hard act to follow, but Robin's giving it a go. Mainly by yodelling, and looking as if you could happily take him home to meet your mum. Can he win? It's not out of the question.
Denmark: Emmelie de Forest, Only Tears
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Denmark is the bookies' favourite by a mile, and it's not hard to see why. The song starts like My Heart Will Go On but then quickly turns into a Shakira song. Also, the singer looks like Shakira. Shakira's still big in Europe, isn't she? Well then.
Ukraine: Zlata Ognevich, Gravity
Yes, the singer is very attractive. Yes, she has a beautiful voice that services her song well. Yes, there aren't any onstage drummers, which is a blissful rarity this year. However, Zlata Ognevich's frontrunner status is assured by her entrance, where she's carried on by a lumbering giant dressed as a cartoon viking and then plonked down on a big stone plinth. How can Bonnie Tyler compete with that? She probably hasn't even got a plinth, let alone a giant.
Norway: Margaret Berger, I Feed you my Love
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There's a slight chance that Margaret Berger has seen Game of Thrones, because she's done herself up as the spitting image of Daenerys Targaryen for this. The song itself is a huge, modern, propulsive thing, but the whole Khaleesi thing has probably sewn it up for her. If Game of Thrones can beat the Olympics at the Baftas, it can probably beat a Ukrainian with a giant.
Romania: Cezar, It's My Life
There are a million songs called It's My Life, and almost none of them are good. But that's because none of them are performed by a vampire who looks like he's half Rylan from X Factor and half Alex from The Apprentice, and who sings like brief 1960s novelty pop sensation Mrs Miller. For better or worse, this one is all of those things.
Greece: Koza Mostra feat. Agathon Iakovidis, Alcohol is Free
Several men of several ages, some in skirts and some playing tiny instruments, singing the kind of Californian ska that usually only exists on Crazy Taxi games. "ALCOHOL! ALCOHOL! ALCOHOL IS FREE! ALCOHOL IS FREE! ALCOHOL IS FREE!" it goes. The name of the song is Alcohol is Free. And I really want it to win.
Finland: Krista Siegfrids, Marry Me
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It's basically a woman in a wedding dress begging her boyfriend to propose to her. "I don't think there are no ladies / Who will give you cuter babies" she shouts, between offering to skip meals in order to make her more attractive. And then at the end she kisses a woman.
In short, Krista Siegfrids is about to become the woman who launched a million tedious op-ed pieces.
UK: Bonnie Tyler, Believe in Me
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Oh look, we don't stand a chance. The song isn't appalling and Bonnie Tyler seems nice, but nobody thinks the UK can win. Not even Bonnie Tyler. You can see it in her eyes. The song's meandering and nondescript. We're sandwiched between the Swedish yodeller and the Romanian vampire. Even the song's name seems slightly defeatist. If the UK wins, I'll Instagram my bum at the end of tomorrow's live blog. That's a promise.
