When I heard about Whitney Houston's death, my thoughts turned to her daughter, Bobbi Kristina, 18, and the struggle she must be facing in dealing with the loss of her mother.

I have seen children lose a parent to addiction. Accompanying the grief of bereavement are tormenting feelings of anger and a lack of self-worth. I have heard children say their parent chose alcohol or drugs over them, or that as a son or daughter they "weren't worth sticking around for". According to the charity Addaction, it is estimated that one in five people in the UK have a family member with a drug or alcohol problem. While addiction tends to hit the headlines when a celebrity such as Houston dies, thousands of other children are watching their parents abuse substances on a daily basis, and much of this is behind closed doors. The hidden nature of addiction is unsurprising given the stereotypes that addicts are either homeless or celebrities. But there are plenty of adults abusing alcohol or drugs while holding down full-time jobs and raising children, and the impact on their children is rarely discussed, if at all.

Addiction and substance misuse is complicated. How an addiction manifests itself depends on the individual, and the same goes for its impact on children. But when a celebrity dies, this complexity is lost. Addiction, in these cases, is simply a "lifestyle choice" or highlights the fact that fame and money "means you can get what you want". Illustrated as either glamorous or sordid, the lives of celebrities who are addicted to substances are much talked about but rarely understood. Conceptualising addiction in this way misinforms and distorts public opinion. Do we stop to think about how it must feel to the bereaved child on hearing that addiction is a lifestyle choice?

Substance misuse is not based on a single choice – to be, or not to be, addicted to alcohol or drugs. A person may choose to try a drink or drug for the first time. But this initial choice can be affected by depression, peer pressure, societal influences, or an inability to cope with life. So, from the outset, the choices that each person makes are different. The picture for each individual then becomes increasingly complicated and confused as mental, emotional or physical dependence on drugs or alcohol also influences choices.

And if someone is told that their misuse of drugs or alcohol will kill them if they continue, but will do the same if they attempt to stop without support, how do we understand their choices then? If they continue to take drugs or drink alcohol after this warning, or try to stop using them without the treatment to help their bodies cope, have they chosen to die? As we focus on choice, we ignore these questions and forget the children who are tormented by them.

While the public debate about Houston's death will end, the impact of her death on her daughter and wider family will continue. As will the daily experiences of children who live with addiction, and the pain experienced by those who have lost a parent to addiction. When policymakers seek to address substance misuse because of its effect on crime rates, antisocial behaviour, health services, or the public purse, they need also to consider the effect it has on families, because for a child of an addict, you can't put a price on that loss.

• Carlene Firmin is a principal policy adviser at the Office of the Children's Commissioner for England. She is writing in a personal capacity