In any other week, news that Neverland might not be auctioned off by the mortgage company would be dominating all our thoughts. But Lost in Showbiz is suddenly indifferent to the fate of Michael Jackson's kiddie Xanadu - because it turns out that the Jackson brothers want to buy a family hideaway in Devon.

Aren't you just insanely in love with the idea? It's like some meth-assisted take on the Famous Five. Let's give them parts. Jackie can be Julian, because he's the eldest. Jermaine is Dick, obviously, because Dick's the joker of the gang and Jermaine called his son Jermajesty. Now, you probably think Michael's a shoo-in for Uncle Quentin - and in a way he is - but he's going to be irksome tomboy George, because of his body dysmorphia issues. Poor, bullied, second-class Marlon can be Anne, and as the muscle and mouthpiece of the group, Tito can be Timmy the dog. I can't wait to hear about all their adventures - sure to involve children sneaking where they shouldn't, and lashings of Jesus Juice.

Remarkably, there appears to be some truth to the tale. According to Tito's long-time friend and bodyguard, the family have already earmarked two properties in the north of the county. "It's definitely going to happen," says this Matt Fiddes, himself a resident. "Tito spoke with Michael on the phone the other night and the family are certain that this is the area where they want to find a hideaway."

"My family love the wonderful countryside," explains Tito, adding that "Michael likes north Devon, too, as no one bothers him." Yeah, well, the locals are pretty blase about white people. That said, Tito and the rest might want to brace themselves for a certain froideur when they pop into the village for a pint of milk and a scratchcard. FYI: Lost in Showbiz is not even going to open letters with north Devon postmarks, so don't do anything pointless, will you?