I did return a few years ago. Elma Johnson - the lovely lady in my film, It's Nice Up North, has sadly passed away. And Teg Stagg is no longer there. He was the nicest Shetlander I met, and he messed up my theory, hailing as he did from Devon!

Interesting question, which I'm afraid I can't answer...

No, it's been supplanted by Nature Valley.

For some reason I'm going to say Louth in Lincolnshire. But Stow-in-the-Wold is rather nice, Ken tells me.

I have to say the east, because that's where Ladybower reservoir is, where I regularly check the level of. And I suggest you do the same.

Freecycle.com, I'm afraid.

Stick to keyboards you can rest on your knee, that's my advice.

Ooh, that's a hot topic! Yes of course local trees need protecting. Having said that, I recently tarmac-ed over our lawn. No more muddy shoes when I go out to power wash the recycling bin.

Perhaps Brian has himself died. But I sincerely hope not and that he will return at some point in the future. Celebrity deaths is a key topic in my new show, My Last Will and Tasty Mint, coming soon to a theatre near you! You see, I'm a little worried about my own mortality.

Obtaining fawn or beige clothing is increasingly a bit of a problem. But it's such a lovely shade. Why is this? Try Sue Ryder Remembrance Shop. All items £1 for a limited period only!

I remember that show - there was a lunatic woman laughing inanely at everything, including all the sad bits. She asked me to sign her t-shirt at the end. I told her where the bus stop was.

That's a brilliant idea. Would I be able to wear my jeans that Mary recently bought me from a catalogue?

Not when Morrisons are reducing their expired bread to 9p, no, it isn't.

You're referring to a lyric from my obscure but exceptionally good, in my humble view, rock ballad Scenes From South Yorkshire. No, I didn't know his name, but Shane rhymes with Elaine, which was in the previous line. So, yes.

An anagram of "trek mad rat" or even "marked tart". Ooh, I do like quizzes, don't you?

No I'm not. My next door neighbour and sole agent, Ken Worthington, recently explained what that means. I was shocked as I've always been led to believe it referred to mood swings. I was duped.

Unfortunately I can't, because I'm visiting a poorly aunt.

My advice is: just don't go there. And I don't know how you return to normality. It's going to take a long time. And even then things can never be quite the same as they once were. Good luck to you.

Not with the price of song entries being what they are. It's extortionate. £70 per song when I last applied in the late 90s. I offered them £25 just to submit the chorus, knowing Pigeons in Flight was so catchy it would surely be submitted on the chorus alone. They said no, sorry. So I said: how much for an intro? Then they hung up on me. Charming!

Well, I was hoping to, but to be honest Ken couldn't get me a gig in Hull because none of the theatres had any free dates (because it's going to be the City of Culture!). But don't worry - I'm performing down the road in Beverley on March 12 and 13. See you there!

Bake lots of cakes as soon as possible!

The PSS680 is one of my favourite organs, but it doesn't have the "fun pad" with the lion's roar, or the car noises, etc. So I prefer the PSS51, and the "fun rhythm" is my favourite button.

Helloooooo! That's a tricky questions to answer, sir, sir, sir...

It is, but I'd rather it was the two-litre - the same size I like my milk cartons. Ken Worthington finds that size unwieldy, and tends to buy the half-litre long life.

I think you mean hang glider. But I know what you mean. Well, it crashed into a rock on Burbage Moor. I'll be singing all about it in my forthcoming tour in the harrowing ballad Get The Volvo, Val!

My advice is listen to your wife and call him Trevor. Clever plan. Or name him Piddles and change your name to that. Yes, that's a better idea I think.

I believe after many years of not being so, he is again and that Jilted John bloke is singing all about it at the 100 Club in London on March 29th. The following night he's even supporting me at the Sheffield City Hall on the final night of my tour - see my website for more details.

Course I am. The other day I even got my toolkit out and made a slight adjustment to the catch. There was a bit of wobble while it was in an erect state, which isn't desirable when you're ironing. Mary was most grateful. Sounds a bit saucy - it's not meant to be.

Mary and I have lost heart, and abandoned the cafetiere, as the plunger keeps going down too quickly. And splashing me sweater with coffee.

Yes, I'll be at the Leicester Square theatre, from the 21-23 February. I can't wait.

It should be fine. Drizzle it with Carnation and you'll have yourself a rare treat.

It certainly was, and I do remember. It was a most "arresting" experience.

She is! And since her budgie Les died she seems to have lost interest in men. I don't see the connection there, but maybe - if you're a prospective suitor, and your question suggests you might be - any attempts to win Joan's heart should involve you donning a budgie suit.

Difficult one, this. But how about Michael Ball as lead vocalist, Roger Whittaker on guitar (plus whistle solos!), Richard Clayderman on keyboards, and either the Pointer or Nolan sisters for backing vocals and dance routines.

I think you may be confusing me with that Graham Fellows bloke, but I believe he goes up there when he can, and for those who want to know more about this church conversion on a remote Scottish island, please visit www.thespaceorkney.com.

Sausage roll I would say. And my wife Mary would be the same. Or perhaps she would plump for a buffet pork pie. Mind you, on reflection, so would I!

Rum'n'raisin please. Yes, I will be in Wimborne then, performing at the Tivoli theatre. So give Ken a tinkle to confirm the quantity of fudge you will be supplying. But don't tell him the precise nature of your call, obviously.

They spend a lot of time spinning these days. I don't mean the ancient craft, which would require Mary to sport a lacy bonnet. No, I'm referring to the exercise routine on bicycles, where they have to keep standing up on their haunches.

Def Leppard, definitely. That Joe Cocker's a bit funny. And the Arctic Monkeys are too cheeky for me. Besides, Joe Elliott used to deliver our newspaper when he was a lad - I wrote a song about that. "I put a bandage on a little boy's knee / it was the lead singer of Def Leppard, he lived near me."

Yes, come and see him support me at the Sheffield City Hall on March 30.

Exceptionally good question. The answer is two hours, 35 minutes.

Button it, thunder! To let it swing open looks slovenly. And could present a health hazard, given the approaching Arctic temperatures!

I don't know, but I suddenly want to go to Buckfastleigh.

It's fine thanks, it's the dishwasher that's giving cause for concern. Mary wants a new one. I'll be talking about that in my new live show, My Last Will and Tasty Mint. I can't reveal the specific issue re the dishwasher - you'll have to come and see the show!

I've no idea. But as you may recall, my act was rather different then. I had somersaulting dogs and clockwork robots on top of the keyboard, to provide visual stimuli because I was a bit boring to look at back then. Mind you, so was Robert Plant if I remember rightly. No proper dance routines whatsoever.

I do sympathise Jonathan. At Christmas we had relatives from Rotherham, and I had to perch on the bed with the organ on my knees. It was awful.

The second one. No! The first. Oh, I don't know. Ask your mum.

There's a nice Little Chef near Sleaford, Lincs - nice array of conifers in the car park. I've never been to Michael Wood services but it sounds lovely - is it?

Still the Y-reg, naturally. Once I had a Ford Anglia, in which I had the incident on the Snake Pass. I also once owned a lovely Chrysler Alpine. I considered a Hillman Imp at one time, but deemed it just too tiny for a large man like myself. It would have suited Ken Worthington of course!

No, I was hoping you could tell me.

I'm almost out of them!

I have Sid, it's called What's A Shuttle Worth? Y'know, space travel and that. Is it worth the cost to the environment? Fracking, definitely not. Nothing should impinge on the the enjoyment of checking on the level of your local reservoir.

I did once accidentally eat some Wensleydale cheese with cranberry in (after a delicious lemon mousse with tinned peaches). I was aghast until I realised the cheese tasted a bit like cheesecake - quite sweet and creamy, you know - so I relaxed and enjoyed the cheese, safe in the knowledge that my theory still holds water.