1 Donald Trump depressed about the press

Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has been complaining of the sort of unwarranted press attention normally endured by pop stars. He has blamed the media amid news of plummeting popularity and reports of despair, the intimation being that he is no longer a press darling. The Republican nominee even challenged the application of first amendment rights to freedom of speech, in the very week that he appeared to be advocating the use of the second amendment against his Democrat rival, Hillary Clinton. Normally a headline hustler, now Trump is turning his back on the attentions of The 4th Branch, mainly because they’re being mean. “It is not ‘freedom of the press’ when newspapers and others are allowed to say and write whatever they want even if it is completely false!” he said, readjusting his weave.

2 The UK set to scorch

According to meteorologists, by the middle of this week people will be following the lyrics to 1986 Stranglers hit Always the Sun and praying for rain as temperatures soar towards the high 20s. There was a cool critical consensus around the punk band, whereas Britain is set to be hot hot hot, with temperatures rivalling Barcelona, Algiers and Nice. Although it’s not, as The KLF have declared, necessarily grim up north, the Met Office are warning those beyond Watford Gap to prepare for it to be “a bit cooler, with the cloud amounts increasing”. Revellers have been warned, meanwhile, about the downside of all this hot weather, such as rising levels of toxic air, as well as misery for commuters as high temperatures cause steel tracks to buckle – which somewhat contradicts assertions made by Billie Holiday that in summertime “the livin’ is easy”.

3 A-levels to reach new low levels

Teachers have been gripped by what Lily Allen referred to as The Fear as they await A-level results on Thursday. After a year of sweeping curriculum change, they are, as the Guardian reported, “bracing themselves for turbulence” if not an outright crash, although passengers – sorry, pupils – should buckle up for a bumpy ride. Exams regulator Ofqual has warned that performance in the new AS exams will dip because both students and teachers are less familiar with the new material. However, pupils anxious that poorer results may hinder their future chances in the job market are urged to heed the lyrics to The Specials’ Rat Race, which militates for a more casual attitude towards exams and school qualifications in general.

4 House prices drop

Prospective home buyers eager for a beautiful house or indeed a shotgun shack will be delighted at the news that the average price of a home in England and Wales has fallen by £3,600 in August so far, as Brexit uncertainty combines with the summer holiday slowdown. Unfortunately, money, according to the Valentine Brothers, remains too tight to mention, especially in the wake of the EU referendum, and so purchasers will still struggle to make the average asking price, which is now £304,222. Londoners are especially hard-hit, with the average cost of a home £619,409, 2.1% higher than a year ago. Those without the funds to make a large deposit might want to follow the advice of Mark E Smith, who back in 1987 strenuously advised home-buyers to hit the north.

5 Trump snogs Putin

Donald Trump was back in the news this week after vandals used white paint to destroy a mural of Russian president Vladimir Putin engaged in a heated embrace with the US Republican candidate in Lithuania. French Kissin’ might be acceptable In the USA, but apparently it isn’t in the Lithuanian capital of Vilnius, where the image was daubed on the wall of the BBQ restaurant Keulė Rūkė courtesy of local artist Mindaugas Bonanu. The painting went viral on social media after it was unveiled in May, and has since become a popular backdrop for selfies. Restaurant owner Dominykas Čekauskas declared the paint attack more than “simple vandalism” but “a terrorising attack on freedom of speech in Lithuania”. Meanwhile, reports that Putin, who has been known to ride bareback on a horse, has lips like sugar, remain unconfirmed.