Age: At least 267.
Appearance: Gender-bending.
Eh? It was originally God Save the King. Also, nationalanthemy.
That's not actually a word. All right then. Joyless, droning …
That's better. … fawning, atavistic …
You can stop now. … a dirge-like affirmation of servility. Rather than celebrating Britain's diversity and dynamism -
The song sucks up to one out-of-touch individual whose chief talent is waving out of carriages? Got it in one.
This is ancient news, even for a Sunday. It's headed for the charts!
No way! Yes way! Centuries after its lyrics first appeared in The Gentleman's Magazine, the anthem is being released as a single.
By the Queen? As a diamond-jubilee tribute to herself? By the singer Lissa Hermans, who recently performed it at Buckingham Palace. The proceeds will go to Chickenshed.
That fast food place near Victoria station? No, the theatre company that prides itself on inclusiveness. Hermans, 30, has been a member since she was seven. She's both blind and autistic.
She's going to get to No 1! Only if Universal Records let her. They're celebrating the jubilee by re-issuing the Sex Pistols' parody of the anthem.
The one from 1977? "God save the queen / The fascist regime / They made you a moron" and so on? That's the beast. The Pistols allegedly got to No 1 35 years ago, but the results were fiddled so Rod Stewart sneaked in front and Her Majesty was not embarrassed. This time there's an online campaign to get the punks to the top of the chart.
John Lydon must be wetting himself. Now he can rain on another royal parade. Au contraire. The former Johnny Rotten has denounced the campaign as a "circus" that "totally undermines what the Sex Pistols stood for".
Which was? Spitting and flogging Country Life butter. All that upsetting-the-establishment business must have been a smokescreen.
Do sing: "Retire that pointless queen / Send Charles to Coventry / Set Britain free / William is just a clown / The Windsors must stand down / This nation needs no crown / Democracy!"
Don't sing: monarchist propaganda.
