Peter Robinson 

Brit awards 2012: what to look out for on music’s bingo night

Peter Robinson: It's the hottest event on the musical calendar! So print out some bingo cards, get your daubers at the ready ... and wait for James Corden's knee to explode
  
  

1. Fleet Foxes are the most expected unexpected winner of the night.

2. Adele looks sad near a piano.

3. Ed Sheeran starts singing: drink one shot. (Yes we know this is not being presented as a drinking game per se but mark our words you'll need a bit of booze to get through it.)

4. Professor Green sports a nice suit and a haircut he wouldn't have considered practical two years ago.

5. Emeli Sandé's haircut launches its own career.

6. James Blake and James Morrison form a duo of Jameses.

7. PJ Harvey and Jessie J form a duo of female artists with the initial "J" in their name.

8. Coldplay put on an impressive show just like they always do with some lights that flash or something, you know the drill.

9. JLS ask to join PJ Harvey and Jessie J's "J initial" band but are refused entry. Marvin looks sad. Aston is not that bothered.

10. Aloe Blacc goes from table to table being paid one dollar a time not to tell that boring story about the time he got sacked.

11. Labrinth, who was in the toilet last year when Tinie Tempah invited him on stage, has a long leisurely piss, safe in the knowledge that Tinie Tempah has been nominated for precisely nothing.

12. Nobody mentions that the year after they pulled off the biggest tour in UK history, Take That are also entirely absent from nominations list.

13. Someone livetweeting the event makes reference to the high number of ad breaks.

14. Whitney Houston mentioned.

15. Whitney Houston mentioned in song.

16. Bjork arrives wearing a fake swan; Lady Gaga arrives wearing a fake Bjork wearing a real swan.

17. The chairman of the BPI arrives on stage and asks for some calm. Assorted industry workers continue chatting at their tables, but the chairman says to them no, please actually be quiet – I have something to say. The punters who bought tickets for the event take a while to settle down. Backstage, Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs who hasn't even been nominated for anything but has found his way there somehow anyway is told to turn his iPhone to silent. "I don't know how to do that," he says. He is shown the silver switch by the volume rocker – that'll turn the sound off, he's told, and activate vibrate mode. "Thanks for showing me how to turn my phone to silent," TEED says, "but I still don't understand why we have to be so quiet." At front of house, to a totally silent room, the chairman of the BPI clears his throat. He pulls from his inside pocket a prepared speech and starts to read it out. "Dear everyone," it begins. "Look, her album might not have been perfect but we need to acknowledge that Katy B probably should have been up for something tonight. Apols." He folds the speech, puts it back in his pocket, and leaves the stage.

18. Ed Sheeran eats an apple.

19. Jessie J's performance is ruined by Cat Deeley slowly rising through the bottom of the stage on a huge champagne bottle.

20. The chairman of the BPI reappears. "AND WILL YOUNG!"

Alex James and a Dairylea triangle
Alex James – he loves cheese. Photographs: Rex Features/Ray Tang

21. As per Alex James's request, the glitter cannon marking the finale of Blur's performance has been stocked with the wrappers of 7,000 Dairylea triangles.

22. The ITV2 coverage shows Sak Noel, disappointed not to have been shortlisted for Loca People, staging a miserable one-man protest outside the venue.

23. Adele beats off Olly Murs, in the British Single category.

24. Someone on Twitter says something about Mick Fleetwood and Samantha Fox.

25. Ed Sheeran sits down.

26. Ed Sheeran stands up.

27. Everyone politely chooses not to mention the Rihanna and Coldplay Grammys performance, just like any reference to the year the Osbournes hosted the whole thing is politely ignored.

28. Noel Gallagher says something amusing.

Ed Sheeran apple composite
Will Ed Sheeran eat an apple? Photographs: Graeme Robertson/Alamy

29. Ed Sheeran eats another apple.

30. In an echo of her 2010 Dizzee Rascal duet, Florence performs a special Brits version of her single No Light, No Light – just one of the singles from her current album to have for one reason or another failed to even get inside the Top 10 – with Take Me Out presenter Paddy McGuinness. Their performance of No Likey, No Light evolves into a medley involving a Franz Ferdinand cover, Abba's Fernando and – joined by a chorus of the female beauties last seen on Saturday night's show – Belinda Carlisle's Leave a Light On. The chairman of the BPI loosens his tie: the music industry is saved.

31. A win for Kasabian prompts the TV voiceover artiste to make some sort of reference to the resurgence of guitar music, conflating guitar music with authenticity along the way.

32. Ed Sheeran does that weird half smile thing.

33. The sound is pulled on Olly Murs and Rizzle Kicks' Heart Skips A Beat following a last-minute objection from the ASA over an undeclared endorsement deal with KP Skips.

34. Marking the 20-year anniversary of the KLF's infamous collaboration with Extreme Noise Terror which prompted Sir George Solti to leave in disgust and climaxed with Bill Drummond shooting the audience with a machine gun, Anna Calvi climbs on stage and coughs really quite loudly, then apologises.

35. Reference is made to Ed Sheeran doing everything without a major label, despite the fact that he didn't have one hit single or album prior to signing to a major label.

36. Beyoncé and Emeli Sandé take to the stage to explain that it's alt-e then e on a Mac keyboard and alt-130 on a PC.

37. The Vaccines are announced as British Breakthrough Act, prompting all guests at the O2 to put down their drinks, stand up and solemnly exit the arena, knowing as they do that music as a form of art has now reached its end.

38. Listeners of Capital vote the Wanted's Glad You Came Best British Single.

39. Ed Sheeran moves his left hand.

Prescott soaked
John Prescott: wet and angry at the Brits Photograph: PNR/PA

40. With hints of the disappointment, fury and unshaken ideals that led Chumbawamba to soak John Prescott in water at the 1997 Brit awards, Noel Gallagher makes a speech in which it is very heavily implied that he is less than pleased with the way the whole coalition thing is panning out.

41. An out-of-breath Nadine Coyle sprints in, clutches doorframe and, panting heavily, screams, "I FAYNED MAY PISSPORT!!!!!"

42. Geri Halliwell emerges triumphantly from between two 40ft inflatable legs, only to discover that she is facing an empty Docklands Arena.

43. Extreme James Corden Adele Introduction Seriousface.

44. Elbow, Foster the People, Bon Iver and Lady Antebellum join forces for an emotional and heartfelt "Thank ABBA for the Music" medley. Tina Cousins appears for final chorus.

45. Jessie J appears in a multicoloured dress and, in a ludicrous mid-Atlantic accent, invites guests to think of Robbie Williams, and if she doesn't do that this year keep an eye out for the Brits 2013.

46. The 2012 Brit awards, like last Sunday's Top 40 countdown, passes without a single reference to the fact that Madonna has a new single out.

47. Jessie J manages to actually perform one of her songs with a melody familiar to people who own her album.

48. Hapless girlband Parade shock the nation by winning British Breakthrough Act.

Olly Murs
Olly Murs: hat/no hat.

49. Olly Murs wears hat.

50. Olly Murs removes hat.

51. Olly Murs tosses hat.

52. 17 years since their last Brits performance, Blur appear in perfect 1995 "period costume". Graham is dressed as Warren from This Life, but is later teased by Dave who explains with some amusement that This Life actually started in 1996, not 1995. Graham apologises and they agree never to mention it again.

53. X Factor Finalists 2010 win Best British Group; the ceremony is temporarily derailed while Katie Waissel, Wagner and Rebecca Ferguson, who have been fashioned into a disgusting "human centipede" kind of arrangement for an ITV2 pilot, terrorise Alesha Dixon.

54. Dave Rowntree shouts "HAHA 1996" at Graham Coxon.

55. Graham Coxon cries and flounces out.

56. Ed Sheeran wins Sexiest Male.

57. Ed Sheeran wins Sexiest Female.

58. Ed Sheeran moves his right hand.

59. At precisely 8.20pm Justin Timberlake runs into the arena shouting "WHERE'S KYLIE? I NEED TO TOUCH KYLIE MINOGUE'S BOTTOM RIGHT NOW OR TIME WILL UNRAVEL!" It emerges that he is in the grip of a major psychotic episode in which he believes he is time traveller Dr Sam Beckett, sent back in time to prevent a terrible pop mishap from occurring. The 2003 Kylie bottom-touch must go ahead just like the history books say it did but Timberlake must prevent his and Kylie's planned assault on Blondie's Rapture from ever happening. It is explained to Justin that the year is 2012 and he is not a pop star any more, having given up singing for acting, and that he should maybe think about heading over to LA for the Oscars instead, although on the basis of his recent films maybe not to bother.

60. In a re-run of last year's Plan B v Take That riot chic double whammy debacle, two wildly different acts are somehow allowed to perform identically themed songs. This year the artists are Florence + the Machine and Bruno Mars, and the theme is buckets.

61. Ed Sheeran breathes in.

62. Olly Murs spotted attempting to retrieve hat from wherever it landed.

63. The set's shiny floor at one point becomes so shiny that several ticket-holders on the upper balcony are blinded for life.

64. James Corden does his "oh I'm so in awe of music" voice.

65. Joey Essex struggles with autocue.

66. Ed Sheeran breathes out.

67. For a split second and due to a technical hitch for which the production team will later apologise, Keith Lemon's ITV2 red carpet coverage is briefly amusing.

68. Whiley v Bowman food fight.

69. An out-of-place hollywood "star" is paired with out-of-place "heritage rock personage" to present an award to one of four shortlisted artists of whom neither presenter has ever heard.

70. To celebrate Shrove Tuesday, Michael Kiwanuka arrives dressed as a pancake.

Carton of milk (or Phil Daniels?)
Carton of milk (or Phil Daniels?) Photograph: David Levene for the Guardian

71. Phil Daniels dressed as milk carton.

72. There is a minor kerfuffle when it turns out that due to an oversight Lana Del Rey's table has been placed right next to the Pompous Bloggers table.

73. Bon Iver thanks Miley Cyrus.

74. Chris Martin thanks Bon Iver and Miley Cyrus.

75. PJ Harvey thanks Chris Martin and Miley Cyrus but not Bon Iver.

76. Bon Iver says that's fine, he probably just slipped Polly's mind.

77. Polly says no, it was very deliberate, for reasons she'll explain at a later date when someone's not making a list out of their conversation.

78. During his live backstage broadcast, Radio 1's Scott Mills makes a tasteless joke about Laura Marling and ruins the demure singer's evening.

79. As part of what turns out to be a conceptual art piece, Michael Kiwanuka removes his "pancake shroud" to reveal Jif lemon-inspired undergarments.

80. Fearne Cotton presents Foo Fighters with International Group award even though they have not won, then superglues her hands (in perfect "devil horn" formation) to the podium and refuses to leave until Dave Grohl has performed an acoustic version of Learn to Fly. Holly Willoughby watches on sadly.

81. Military Wives join Blur for Tender.

82. Kate Bush agrees to sing on the next Chase & Status album.

83. Ed Sheeran blinks once for yes.

84. Ed Sheeran blinks twice for no.

85. Harry Styles leaves in defeat when he hears news of Emeli Sandé's hair's solo career.

86. Maverick Sabre removes tie.

87. TV picture partially obscured by the head of a high-ranking but largely ineffectual music industry exec whose last major success was in 2002 and has spent the intervening decade moving from one major label senior role to another. "This is the life," he thinks to himself as he sits back down at his table. "These are my people."

88. Two fat ladies: never mind, give it twelve months and they'll be on the cover of Vogue looking like Cheryl Cole.

89. The entire event passes with not one mention of Cee Lo Green and Paloma Faith's notorious "finale" to the Brits 2011, a bewildering performance that felt more like a stage invasion than a fitting climax to the number one date of the "music biz calendar".

90. James Corden's knee explodes.

 

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